You Were Looking for WHAT??

Like most bloggers, Ann and I have a statistics counter that tracks our blog traffic–how many visitors we get, how long they stick around, where they come from, what URL referred them. As you’d imagine, many of our visitors come to us via websearches on one of the companies or issues we talk about here. For instance, we get a lot of hits from people searching on “Bookblaster,” or “agent contracts”, or “contest scams”, or just “Writer Beware” (or often, sadly, “Writers Beware”).

We also get a good number of hits from searches that are completely unrelated to us–some of them pretty odd. Here are a few of the more amusing.

– Is your writing strange? If so, you might want to check out manuscript publishers of strange writing. We show up on page 9 of this search.

– Speaking of strange…Writer Beware has investigated a lot of weird stuff, but we’re pretty sure we’ve never looked into strange places to make whoopee. Nevertheless, we’re on page 1.

– We debunk a lotta myths, but as far as we know, no lotto myths. This searcher was persistent; I gave up on page 30, and still hadn’t found us.

– Ann! Calling Ann! Who wrote the book Crispin? Turns out there are a lot of Crispins, which maybe explains why we don’t make an appearance until page 2.

– This person is really barking up the wrong tree, Writer Beware-wise. If you’re looking for the ten top writers on how to become a millionaire, we aren’t them. Even so, we show up on page 13 (because of our post on the Book Millionaire reality TV show.)

– This person wants to know how to do an AC scam. Sorry, dude, can’t help you–even if we are the second of 94,300 results.

– This person needs some help at work: scamming urinalysis. This time, there are only 301 results, of which we are #4. It’s fun to be reminded that I actually used the word “urinalysis” in a post.

– Who are the last scammer girls? Not us, even though we’re #4 of 101,000 results. We rule!

– What every scammer needs to know: how to engage in psychological manipulation of clients. We lurk evilly on page 1.

– OK, boys and girls, here’s a quiz. When a scammer gets mad at Writer Beware, what kind of demand do they send us? That’s right: cyst and desist. That way, we not only have to shut up, we can’t sit down for a week. (We’re on page 1 of this search.)

– This person is really looking in the wrong place: what do i have to beware of when i am in the desert. Can’t help you there, even if we are the first result of more than 1 million. (On second thought, this gives me the opportunity to use the word “urine” again, as in “beware of running out of water in the desert and being forced to drink your own urine.”)

– Here’s something else we can’t help with: why has my laptop computer screen gone blank? That’s why you got to page 50 and still hadn’t found us.

– We all know that the Internet is for porn. Lots of people are looking for nude pix. Sometimes, they visit us (even though, unlike the Naked Novelist, both Ann and I write fully clothed). For instance, rita skeeter nude (inexplicably, we are the very first listing). And harry potter hermione nude pictures (again, we’re on page 1. Sheesh). Or, for the truly perverse, martha ivery nude (I’m not making that up, I swear).

– And speaking of porn, here’s someone who’s looking for amateur labia. Not professional, mind: these labia must be strictly non-pro. Why does Writer Beware show up in a search for labia of any kind? (If you really want to know, it’s because of this post.) Even more mysterious, why did our labia lover take a break from listings like Fetish Bank and HAIRY TEEN to visit us? (Maybe s/he was tired. We’re on page 22.)


  1. And I thought the guy who found my website by searching for “Why do Greeks like baklava?” had an odd search string. Really, I would have thought it would be better to research that in a pastry shop than online…

  2. Well, you got me curious. My site meter shows hits from the following searched: ancient time traveling technic, gay life toons (I have a couple of “gay zombie penguin ‘toons on my site from veinglory), scribbles and giggles tax id number, pics of 1oo dollar bill stacks…and someone went to Technorati’s Barbara Bauer tag and visited.

    Because my blog is called NVNC ID VIDES, NVNC NE VIDES I often get hits from searches on “vides” which I guess is folks looking for videos?

  3. Thanks a LOT, Victoria.

    I’ve been down with this nasty bug for five days, and tonight when I drift into NyQuil induced sleep, I will bet you a veggie burger next time you visit that I dream of “martha ivery nude.”

    And wake up screaming…

    Just what I needed!


  4. It puzzles me why someone looking for teh pr0n would click on a link taking them to Writer Beware. At least with Google a little summary is included with the link which should let the searcher know the blog doesn’t have anything to do with the search term.

    The ways of people are mysterious. More so when they’re searching the ‘net.

  5. LOL Clearly, search engines have a ways to go before they become as useful as we’d like them to be.

    Reading this gives me some insight into why I get some of the strange, undesired, and totally unrelated results I get when I’m searching for something on the web.

    Hey, Google, are you listening?

  6. LOL It’s amazing what search terms can bring a person in. The weirdest I ever got was ‘nurse sherri elevator’. It picked up on an essay I wrote about being in the hospital.

    I don’t want to know what that visitor was looking for.

  7. We have a local fan who’s first name is Crispin. Last name Burnham. Has been a horror editor/publisher (Eldritch Tales). Lovecraft fan…. no irony in the name, no none at all.

    Good guy. Bought an orphan horror story I wrote for Eldritch Tales 23, long ago. (orphan because it was a horror/fantasy and I coudln’t find a market…)
    -Paula Helm Murray

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