Many of you may have noticed that an angry and not very grammatical person calling herself “Firsttimeauthoress” is attempting to hijack the comments thread of my last post. What you may not have noticed is that Ms. Authoress has invaded earlier posts as well (I have this blog set to send all comments to my email address, since people often comment on older posts and I want to make sure I see them all). Here are some samples of Ms. Authoress’s distinctive prose stylings, which I’m reproducing, mistakes and all, partly because I think they’re amusing, and partly because she may try to delete them:
On Author Solutions Acquires Xlibris:
You people just love lording it around. You take delight in making publishing seem impossible to rub it in that you got published while most people don’t. to you, everyone is a scammer, a crook, a thief. You say writer’s digest is a joke but then admit that you’ve contributed. You ruin the reputations of good, hardworking people just out of sheer sadistic delight. 99% of what your right has no legal foundation at all. Your blogs arer sprinkled with ‘may have to pay’ ‘might be liable to pay damages.’ etc but nothing ever comes of it all. My blog shows that we don’t all need to follow your corrupt paths. there are peopleout there willing to help. fisttimeauthoress.blogspot.com
On Light Sword Publishing Petitions for Bankruptcy:
Yawn! Another story about ‘corrupt’ publishers. Grrr! It makes me mad. You’re so much about naming names. Can you give me the name of ONE, just one, agent or publisher that will actually look at a person’s book without rejecting it? You guys are the catholic church of publishing. Only our way is right and anyone else is a scammer, a crook… In our current economic climate, everyone from banks to car companies are going under, but when it’s a ‘vanity’ publisher it just has to be a premeditated scam. Have you ever heard of capitalism? Some companies actually do go under in hard times of recession. Anyway, in the true spirit of Writer Beware democracy, my comments will be deleted and I’ll be banned from posting again. The true spirit of this site. The brown noses are all on first name terms, any dissenters are mad, scammers, crooks and banned! For the truth, see firsttimeauthoress.blogspot proof that you can make it the ‘unconventional’ way.
On Jones Harvest Publishing Redux:
Another non-issue. Everyone from my local supermarket to the Chinese restaurant to the car wash to Amazon send out e-mails and fliyers to advertise their products and services. Does this make them crooks? Ah, but if it’s someone in publishing that the bloggers here don’t like, it becomes a sinister criminal activity. My heart’s with you Brien Jones, another reputation built up out of lifelong hard work is ruined by these heartless women who just love to destroy people. My agent has suffered similar attacks from the likes of them, but soldiers on. My hefty check is proof of it.
And most recently, on How Not to Epublish:
All thge flunkeys that bow to these women are dorks. All sucking up thinking that one day she will get their books published for them. She’ll never help yo. Her goal inlife i sto lord it over you that she got publshed but that YOU didn’t. Thats why she runs this blog: to make people feel bad about failing. She loves to plug her (mediocre) books and rub them in your face! I’m going to write to Bill Maher to get him to do a piece on you people, so that you can be exposed for what you really are! He exposes ultra capitalists like a bodily function. You destroy the reputations of honest hard working Americqans and think you can get away with it. Then we’ll see who thinks they’re so smart! You’ll be on real time in february to account for why you contribute (for HUGE bucks) to the sites that you claimare frauds like yourself. Let’s see you explain that one away….
Plus other comments in that vein. As you’ll notice, Ms. Authoress has some grammar and spelling problems, something she explains by claiming that she’s so choked with emotion over her hefty advance check that she can’t write straight.
Who, oh who, can Ms. Authoress be, and why does she have such a major hair up her ass?
Well, let’s pay a little visity-poo to her Blogger profile. There, we learn that she has two blogs: Firsttimeauthoress and Seriousscifiwriter. Both blogs (which curiously, despite Ms. Authoress’s impressive facility with the English language, are on the Portuguese version of Blogger), have just one entry. Each of these solo entries extols the virtues of a wonderful, wonderful literary agent, who has just sold these first-time authors’ debut novels…the very same agent, in fact.
“Michele Glance Rooney, thank you. [sic] thank you God for making her come alive,” Firsttimeauthoress rhapsodizes. “After years in the wilderness, I finally received by registered mail this morning the hefty check for my first sale.” Says Seriousscifiwriter, who is, well, more serious: “I started writing science fiction for fun, but as time went by, I felt something stir inside me. This what what I wantd [sic] to do, what I had to do to answer some terrible calling from deep down inside. And as the plot unravelled [sic], I felt a sense of achievement. My hero, Dagmar, trapped in a time loop. It was hard to extricate him from that before he journeyed back to the dawn of time, but I managed it. It’s such a lonely task, writing and wondering if you can make the cut, if someone will want to read it. But if you have someone like Michele Glance Rooney by your side, things can work out just fine.”
Hmmm. Michele Glance Rooney. Regular readers of this blog may hear a bell ringing. They may be thinking, “Hey, isn’t Michele Glance Rooney a fee-charger who has been covered a number of times in the Writer Beware blog? Isn’t Michele Glance Rooney the agent who tries to find clients via out-of-the-blue email solicitations? Wasn’t Michele Glance Rooney the one who attempted to promote her services through a fake news blog and fake author blogs? Didn’t Michele Glance Rooney start a new literary agency under an alias a couple of years back? Isn’t Michele Glance Rooney included on Writer Beware’s Thumbs Down Agency List?”
Well, yeah. If that’s what you’re thinking, you’re absolutely correct. And if you’re also thinking that “Firsttimeauthoress” and “Seriousscifiwriter” are Michele Glance Rooney’s latest foray into fake blog identities, I’d say you were correct there too. (Ms. Authoress, natch, vehemently disagrees).
Michele Glance Rooney, you need to cover your tracks better. And for God’s sake, get poor Dagmar out of that time loop!
(The long list of blogs Michele maintains, both fake and in her own name, can be seen at her two separate Blogger profiles. She is also touting her PR services as Great Lakes Sales and Public Relations.)
I first encountered Michele Glance Serwach/Rooney in 1991. I suspected her of being a preditor and have tested the theory now twice. The first time in 1992 was not as definitive as my recent test. This time I sent a query on the book in question to a couple publishers just before I contacted her. I gave everyone the same information and gave her a week to respond. Two days later a publisher wrote a very promising response to my query. She has yet to respond. I have now twice sent her certain sales, and twice seen nothing in return. Yes she charges a reading fee for one book then various office fees etc. thereafter. Real agents don't charge fees. With the very first book I sent her she only made superficial suggestions (changing the titles of chapters to fit the thematic title of the book). Having edited and rewritten as needed for classroom application, I doubt seriously she read it with an editor's eye.
Creating fake blogs with one post in which where everyone can check that they were written by a same person: A very massive flub indeed.
Creating, again, fake blogs with one post in which where everyone can check that they were written by a same person and waving a giant red cape in front of the people who discovered and exposed those blog posts last few times: (I don’t know what to say, the stupidity is just off the scale.)
This is priceless. People have documented the antics of the dumb criminals, but I’m glad we have some people who also comprehensively document the dumbest of the dumb blog sockpuppetry…
I’m joining this discussion rather late but I have a different take on it. You seem to put literary agents into two categories: the genuine and the scammers. To me, they are all the same. There are two groups of people I simply can’t stand. One is record company executives. They roped me in during my teenage years with all sorts of special editions, collectors editions, all worth nothing today. Limited? Yeah, limited to two million or as many as they could sell. Now they complain that 95% of music is downloaded illegally. Great! I hope it soon reaches 110%. God, how i hate those people!
And then there’s the people in publishing. They put me through hell. When I was 25, I had a book ready. Today I recognize that it was NOWHERE near good enough. But when you’re younger, you don’t see it like that. My novel was just a mixed rehashing of my favorite books, a kind of nod to my favorite writers. But instead of just taking a quick look and telling me to give up or start over, they got me into the whole rigmarole of this goddamned ‘query’ crap they go on about. I had to pay someone to prepare it because I had no idea what they wanted. To this day, I don’t know what the devil that stupid thing is supposed to be. They made me jump through the hoops alright. Eventually, I recognized that I simply wasn’t going to get anywhere with my writing and concentrated on my career instead. But my memories of my contacts with the so-called legitimate agents are not very pleasant. they came off as a bunch of fussy, stuck up morons who took delight in messing you around and playing power games. But now the book industry is set for the same path as the music industry. It is true that they have been more careful and a lot less stupid than recording executives, but the internet is the future for publishing and we’ll be able to do it on our own without these a-hole middle men to mess you about. Psychological torture is a crime that’s difficult to prove, so they get away with it. I was left badly damaged for years. So you can be a ‘legit’ agent or a ‘scammer’ agent, I don’t care. They’re all the same. In recent years, I’ve taken up writing again and use WB to help prepare the ground and avoid pitfalls. But I see self-publishing on the web as the future and look forward to seeing agents and publishers as bag ladies! I might throw them a quarter from time to time… if they prepare a good query letter giving me a good reason to do so.
It is, nonetheless, possible to make it in the biz without a literary agent. Isaac Asimov (and this he himself proudly stated more than once in his books) NEVER, not even for one day, had a literary agent. He was contemptuous of them, recognizing them for what they are. And you can’t question the Good Doctor.
I figured it was worth saying something just in case somebody else took it seriously. It’s amazing what people will fall for. But I’ll let it rest now. ;o)
Janet, I was assuming that Anonymous’s posting was a wind-up because of the large number of red flags it contained; but you were right to point them out, just in case they weren’t.
But still. Count them all. If it’s upfront, I’m staggered.
Folks, Anonymous 11:04 is either making a funny or being a troll. No way that post is for real. Please give it the consideration it deserves–i.e., giggle if you’re inclined, and then move on.
Anonymous 11:04, you have just made an almost perfect list of how to do everything wrong. Everything you did there screams “amateur who hasn’t done any research”. I’m not saying this to be harsh, but anybody reading your comment has got to know this is not how to be taken seriously. Personal pictures? Recommendations from teachers? Maps your kids drew? No wonder there was no interest.
If your new agent is sending out your submission package as is, it’s proof positive she’s either clueless or a complete fraud. Charges for copyright? Big red flag. The publisher takes care of copyright. Taking your pictures to save you artist fees? Big, big red flag. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit and spend some time learning how the industry really works. Somebody is taking advantage of your naivete.
I sent off my specially prepared submission package for my novel to a number of publishers. The package included a special folder, postcards of my hometown mounted on cardboard, pics of my children and dogs in the place the book was set in, letters of recommendation from my teachers saying how much they enjoyed the book (on letterheaded paper to remove any doubt of fraud), the first three chapters in double spaced type etc. just like they prefer with an enticing hint at how the book ends to wet their appetite and illustrations and maps that I drew myself or had my kids draw to put a friendly touch to the book. No luck. But now I have an agent who is sometimes maligned just like this woman here but as she is an agent she thinks she has a better chance of getting the submission package noticed. Anything I pay her (she hasn’t asked for a cent yet) will be discounted from future royalties so that I won’t be out of pocket. She says that a publisher is already interested. However, there are some sundry charges to be paid up front for copyright, advertising and binding (but these too will be deducted from the publisher and/or agent’s future royalties. They also said that they’ll put my own drawing in the book rather than have to pay to commission their regular artist. That seems to show some good will on their part because they could ask me for the artist’s fee as well. So I suppose it’s worth a shot. Sometimes you have to look on the bright side. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
Part “1.2” of her book has gone online today along with another pro-Palin rant. Very amusing!
I deeply sympathize with Firsttime’s “plot unraveling” issues. Some of my plots do that. Not all of them, thank heaven…
Maybe, just MAYBE the reason she can’t get her MSs looked at is tied up with the spelling/grammar challenges already noted?
Just wondering.
Opaque argot is when someone tries to sound fancy and use very specific jargon but, instead of sounding erudite, comes off sounding boring and pompous.
The French ambassador called on the president and said that our new trade deal was an excellent peice of negotiating and was finalized according to international law.
Opaque argot version:
His Excellency the Ambassador of France to the United States attended a session with the President today to express his opinion that the recently signed trade deal was, in terms of negotiation, a paragon of quintessence and lay completely within the bounds of international jurisprudence.
Maybe I’ll move the setting to a remote Candadian island instead if the language does’nt seem to be working but then I’d have to remove all the Scotch dialect and vocabulary. Damnit! fta
PenPen – The work you send to the publisher and/or editor should be the best it can be.
If you have a problem like dyslexia you’ll definitely want a trusted pre-editor to check you first.
Sadly, pre-editors aren’t possible when commenting on the web.
Pen Pen–depends how you define “good at writing”. Some of us would argue that good writing requires appropriate spelling and grammar. Can you have a terrific plot, storyline, etc without good spelling and grammar? Definitely! But you’ll have a hard time persuading anyone to read it, never mind publish it.
Learn the basics–you’re only holding yourself back if you don’t.
Hi Anonymous, Weegie is a commonly used nickname for Glaswegians.
One of the problems created by having a Scotsman talk as an Englishman isn’t a dialect one but a cultural one, and not limited to Scotland/England. Scots in general don’t have a problem with bad accents, it’s bad assumptions that get us riled.
This isn’t limited to Scotland/England, there are also assumptions that Belgians are French, Austrians German, New Zealanders Australians, etc. I’m sure most of America would get the hump if everyone assumed that because they said they were American they were by definition Californians. (Not only assuming it but sometimes insisting on it.) And it doesn’t help that the English themselves are as ignorant on the matter as everyone else (you can still hear the phrase ‘England is an island’).
The accents/dialects are really secondary and fta wont gain any credibility by misrepresenting Scots in such a way. I can appreciate it’s a very subtle problem but getting it wrong, like fta has, makes it glaringly obvious. And as I mentioned some Shetlanders don’t even consider themselves Scottish.
Can u be good at writing but SUCK at spelling and grammar?! — just a question not really to do with this lady… Let me know what u think!!
http://sugarspundreams.blogspot.com/
Methinks Firsttimeauthoress is now doing it for the lulz.
JPFife, I appreciate your comments but you’ll have to fill me in on one or two points. First, what is a Weegie?
sorry, but we don’t all understand the nuances of Scottish/English/British dialect! Since fta is trying to defend herself on this point, I would love an explanation. I’m sure you would feel the same way about South African, Australian or New Zealand dialects. What would be a red flag for you if someone bummed a Scottish dialect. I’ve heard many complaints, for nstance, about Mel Gibson in Braveheart and Scottish accents in other movies?
This is interesting to me and something I’d love to understand more, not just a reason to keep this discussion going. We can all learn from all input…
ALC, not everyone has a google id and thus some people blog anonymously plus, for someone who is tired of the posts, you seem to delight in writing lengthy answers.
Can you tell us which of these ‘at least some anonymous posts’ are delighting in keeping it going? I think that someone who makes accusations of this sort ought to back them up, especially as you are so solicitous with the posts of others. I also note that you said ‘highjack’ instead of ‘hijack’. Does that mean that you are MGR too? If your observations apply to all posters, then you too are MGR/FTA… We could go on forever…
I see that everyone is still having a ball pointing out all of FTA's errors. Honestly, this alone could very easily keep this rolling for years as it seems she's not gotten a single thing correct (grammatically or otherwise).
As for my "not being very polite" as (Annonymous) put it – well, I don't think your little dittie directed at me was very polite.
As I said, I have no power to "force my will on you" or anyone else for that matter. You were welcome to say, "sorry, we're all still having barrels of fun with this one" or some such – or to just outright ignore my comments. But, apparently you don't like my expressing a different opinion about what's happening so you took my comment a little too personally.
My prior point – when the scammer starts to "enjoy" it, it's not entertaining anymore – is valid. (It's my opinion, mind you, and I'm welcome to express it. – You're just as welcome to disagree. But, it wasn't necessary to attack me for expressing sed opinion just to make yourself feel better about continuing your posts, now was it?)
As far as "forcing my will" on the rest of the posters in this or any blog goes, unless I can literally hide within the net with some magical blogger machine gun pointed at you, I don't think you have anything to worry about.
BTW, if my points hadn't been valid they probably wouldn't have bothered you. You probably wouldn't have even given them a second glance.
You'll notice a post by VS that states: "Folks, Ms. Authoress is trying to game us. Perhaps we could let her talk to herself for a while." – Which is precisely when a new "annonymous" poster popped in. At least the tone & writing style appear to have suddenly changed dramatically in some of the annonymous comments that started immediately afterwards.
My guess is that if everyone else stopped posting comments, FTA & a certain "annonymous" poster would continue to have a hearty banter. Maybe that's why a certain ANNYM poster got annoyed with my comments to begin with. Could it be that, as VS suspected, MGR & cohorts are trying to "game" us?
You'll all also notice a later VS post that ends with:
"- Bingo. The satirical comments here begin (written, I'm guessing, by at least two different people). Now the Firsttimeauthoress blog (Seriousscifiwriter remains offline) has been turned into a joke blog, to further the pretense. Ha ha ha! We did it for the lulz! Dumb Writer Beware readers, for taking it all seriously! Uh huh."
There have also been a couple of other posters who agreed with my opinion. Are they trying to "force their will on you" as well?
Anyhoo – it seems apparent that FTA HAS been trying to keep this thing rolling along. It also seems apparent that at least "some" of the annonymous postings may have been made to that same end.
On a completely different, and much pleasanter subject… congratulations on the Special Award from the SFWA that I saw on Publishers Lunch today, Victoria!
Quote from firsttimeauthoress: “Hey Bogambo, as for the English, it’s all British. English and scottish people are all British and live in the UK, so with television and all that some of what one group says will rub off on the other. Use your head.”
Hang on dear lady, I’ll have to call you to task on that one. I’m a Fifer (in case the name I post under isn’t clear) and not only is Scots considered a language in itself but there are places a deep fried Mars Bar throw away from each other that have trouble understanding each other.
It is in no way “all British.” No such thing. The Fife accent is totally different from Edinburgh, which is again different from the Weegies and don’t get me started on Doric which can be heard in and around Aberdeen. In fact there’s a great song by Andy Stewart where he sings his way around Scotland, mimicking the various accents.
Also: “Mommy, a yea, force of habit, of course English people say Mumsy. I’ll change it. Thanx for that input.”
That’ll get you a sore face in Scotland because, as Sally mentions, we go to great lengths to tell people we Scots ARE NOT ENGLISH. I would also have to add that Shetlanders don’t really consider themselves Scottish.
Sally wrote:
However, being English first and British second (so I know, right?) I have to say that even though we have TV, radio, internet (yes, really) there is a huge diversity between us. And everyone knows the Scots hate the English, southern and northern English folks don’t understand each other and everybody hates the Welsh. (that’s a joke, by the way.)
OK, but what has this got to do with ‘a small guiness will suffice’ and Scottish dialect. Could you be more specific? Would a Scottish person say that or is it really English upper class?
Come on. Let’s not get silly over this and fall out. We will all end up the losers and FTA/MGR the winner.
However, being English first and British second (so I know, right?) I have to say that even though we have TV, radio, internet (yes, really) there is a huge diversity between us. And everyone knows the Scots hate the English, southern and northern English folks don’t understand each other and everybody hates the Welsh. (that’s a joke, by the way.)
And as for ‘Mumsy’, someone has obviously swallowed the definitive Dick Van Dyke book of English pronunciation and usage again, haven’t they?
Why call me Einstein. When did I make any claim to special knowledge. Why can’t you respect that not everyone has the same likes. You’re not very polite.
Wow! Um, I think I’m speechless.
Best of luck with this one!
~K
I’m not “forcing my will” on you, Einstein. You are just as welcome to disregard my suggestion as anyone.
ALC, some of us are clearly enjoying this thread, I think you should respect that. It is not ‘hijacking’ the blog. the comments are being made in a thread about this post. Anyone who’s tired of it need only steer clear. I respect your opinion and the fact that you want to discuss something else. But I don’t think you should keep insisting that the rest of us shut up just because you’re tired of it. If you’re tired of it, well, life is full of other things to do and I’m sure that as soon as another topic is up, people will begin discussing it. I for one am enjoying this, it’s hilarious. We all get stressed at work and more than one person has said that the posts are amusing. So please stop forcing your will on us.
Right on.
Okay, Mumsy, anything you say….
It’s people like FTA that make sane, reasonable conservatives look bad. Please do not assume that we are all insane. Most of my friends are quite rational, sensible people.
And, again, could we please move on to something new?
I believe we have all established the following:
1. FTA is either MGR or a nutty friend or relative.
2. FTA is functionally illiterate AND mentally unbalanced.
3. FTA is enjoying all of this attention. Apparently this person is starved for any form of recognition be it good, bad or ugly.
4. Any further discussion of FTA’s terrible prose, poor research skills, functional illiteracy, etc. is effectively highjacking this blog.
I believe we can safely assume that any innocent passers-by will be able to readily discern the incompetence level of MGR for “taking on” such a hopeless client.
Until she comes up with a new scam I think we can all rest easy.